Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
