She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Randomize
