i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
