At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
