The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
