just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Randomize
