I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
i think i just lost a toe
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
