My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
