if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
