I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
