I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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