1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
