Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
