Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
