I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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