I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
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