I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
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