theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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