Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
