I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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