I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
