Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
