Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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