YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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