I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Randomize
