Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
