I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
