Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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