well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
