actually, I'm a sock model
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
