two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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