I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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