textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
