Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
