I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
we're making bets on your personal life
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
