walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
