There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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