On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
