Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
