This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
