I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
