somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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