I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
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