Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
