he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
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