I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
