Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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