This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Never joke about your clitoris.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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