If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
