She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
