Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Dear god my vagina.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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