i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
